Get Your Kicks On Route 66

Just a quick update from the road while I wait for MFDC to finish clearing out his sinuses in the shower:

The best time to move across the country is NOT July.

It turns out you can take a Vicodin by accident, only to realize it later with an incredulous laugh followed by crushing disappointment that the bond you'd made with the road and the ease with which you thought you'd be able to drive 10 hours a day was entirely drug-induced.

There is no limit to the amount of times the Universe will force your husband to unhitch and re-hitch your car after 10 hours of driving and before dinner.

Worse drivers so far (excluding Los Angeles, because they're just a way of life in California): Albuquerque, NM.

Hottest temperature through which we labored: 116 degrees.

We ate AWESOME steaks at The Big Texan yesterday. Upon leaving the restaurant, we saw black clouds heading in our direction. We decided to hit the road post haste, only to discover that the route curved INTO the coming storm. The wind picked up, the temperature dropped 20 degrees and it started to rain sideways. We pulled off the road to wait it out - MFDC in the truck and me in the Passat. Both vehicles, weighed down with all our worldly goods and their own considerable weight (the Passat is a TANK, dude!) were bouncing and shaking in the wind. Purple lightening, giant cracks of thunder, flooding gutters... I was expecting a funnel to touch down at any moment but it never happened, thankfully!

So far, I have managed to find a Starbucks in every one of our stopover cities (much to MFDC's annoyance, I'm sure!), but I'm not so optimistic about our current one: Shamrock, TX. Although, I will say that the Holiday Inn Express here is quite nice.

Somewhere in Arizona, the Passat was hit by a pickup truck in the parking lot of a gas station with me in it. The dude totally drove away. No obvious damage was done to the car, but I think the tire absorbed most of the impact and perhaps the car's alignment is slightly off at the moment.

Last night, as we were pulling into a Dairy Queen to turn around (we had missed the entrance to our hotel), these dudes in a pickup truck (coincidence?) decided that they wanted to exit the same way I was entering and so they made straight for me. It was like a game of chicken. I managed to maneuver around them, but it shook me up pretty good and, of course, it didn't help that when they passed me they leaned out their windows and gave me a shit-eating grin. I was in a foul mood for the rest of the night.

How many attempts of her life can one girl be expected to tolerate? The next fucker that tries to mess with me is going to get an earful of me. And if you that doesn't sound like much of a threat to you, just know that I'll be channeling the Wrath of Loretta. You won't know who to pray for!

These Are A Few...

Things I will miss about L.A., in no particular order:

1.) 10% humidity or less
2.) Sun 11.5 months out of the year
3.) My friends, obvs
4.) My coworkers
5.) My 7 miles commute
6.) My favorite restaurants*
7.) Buglessness
8.) Guera
9.) Cheap pedicures
10.) My team of medical and therapeutic experts, aka, My Medi-Posse
11.) The restaurant grading system.
12.) Cupcakes
13.) Democrats
14.) My hair stylist at Capella, Andrea.

Things I will absolutely NOT miss about L.A.:

1.) Traffic. Come on. You knew that would be first.
2.) Smog
3.) Wildfires
4.) Shanequa’s Theatre
5.) The Parking Meter Militia
6.) Paying state income tax, Bitches!
7.) Ghetto Birds (is that not PC?)
8.) Living in Burbank Airport’s Flight Departure Pattern
9.) The Empire Center
10.) $1500/month for 847 sq. ft. in North Hollywood
11.) Budget Deficit, on a personal AND state level
12.) Prop H8**
13.) Earthquakes (even though they’re always good for a hit of adrenaline!)
14.) The breed of Douchebag specific to L.A. and nowhere else.

*In 'N Out Burger, Country Kitchen in Chatsworth, Morton's, Cafe Stella, Katsu-ya, EAT, Philadelphia Sandwiches, Market City, Poquito Mas, Lares, Cafe Bizou, Marmalade Cafe, HUGO's, Mo's, Chez Nous, 25 Degrees, Magnolia (yes, I will miss it!), to name a few...

**I'm actually, consciously bummed that I will not be here to vote against it AGAIN in 2010!!!


Guera thought she was a lapdog.


I seriously considered her to be my Flower Girl!

Nashvillains, Y'all!

Sooooooo... Most of you know this by now, but The L.A. Certas are soon to be known as The Nashville Certas. Y'all. I sort of alluded to this in one of my previous "update" posts, back when I was all fired up to, you know, blog several times a week.

For those you of we haven't managed to speak to personally yet because we're so freaking busy it's almost scary, this move is another brick in the foundation that will rise up to become The D & D Certa Empire Dynasty Legacy Legend Co. Inc., LLC.

Allow me to sketch out our roadmap, if you will. First: move to a city where MFDC can still flatten buildings with the sheer force of RAWK emanating from his bemandled person, second: where it's -at minimum- 50% cheaper to live and is, third: closer to our families so that we can get some help when we, fourth: spawn what will surely be the cheekiest, dimpliest, most near-sighted MFBCs ever. And so, as of June 9, we are officially Nashvillains. We signed a lease on an adorable, well-appointed townhouse on Oak Maple River Ferry Main Old Mill Farm Pine Cherry Road.

Y'ALL.

We depart from Los Angeles at the end of this month which is in two weeks. My mother is very fond of telling me that I only have 16, 15, 14, less than two weeks to DO EVERYTHING I NEED TO DO. Thanks, Mom. I KNOW.

Unfortunately, right when we finished putting in applications on our top two desired domiciles, my back decided to jump ship. I still don't know where it is. I think I'm at the point where I'll just have to learn to live without it. As a result, an entire week of wrapping up loose ends at home and at work has been lost while I've been laying in my bed on a heating pad answering work emails and reading romance novels. Online.

It will take every ounce of energy and as many painkillers as my mom can spare - not to mention copious amounts of Advil - to get us to the moment where I can bust out the Garmin GPS in Los Angeles, find our address in TN and hit the "GO" button. And then it will probably take until Flagstaff, Arizona until the damn thing finally connects to the satellite and tells us where to go.

I have no fear, though. I have my husband, who still reveals a little more awesomeness to me every day. I have the love and support of our incredibly excited families. I have the good wishes of my good friends and coworkers, who I will miss AWFULLY. I did not know it was possible to feel so extremely sad yet so unbelievably excited about the same thing; to be anxious yet confident. And yet, I'm feeling all those things. In addition to all the wrenching back pain!

This - more than my move to Boston at 18 as a college freshman, or to L.A. at 22 as a dreamer, or to New Jersey at 24 as a sick, lonely girl, or to Manhattan at 25 as a gamble, or back to L.A. at 29 as a woman in love - will be the one move that catapults me closer than ever to everything I've always wanted.

And, yes, Loretta is coming, too. Not to worry, kids! They've got cheesesteaks in Nashville!

PS - Now that the cat's outta the bag at work, trust that I'll be keeping you up to date in my spare time, however much it is.

PPS - Below: the front porch of our new townhouse, which has over 300 more square feet than our current place, yet is $700 LESS per month! Wiiiiiiiiiiiide Open Spaaaaacessssss.

Has Anyone Seen May 2009? I Think I Misplaced It...

I never meant to leave you, my little chicken nuggets! It's just that I've been beeeeeeeezzzeeeeee. Not as busy as my brother and his wife, though! Check out this little guy!


Evan Cooper Stitt, born May 3, 2009, 7 lbs. 10 oz., 21" long.

He had a bit of a bumpy landing. He was born via emergency C-section and spent a couple days in the NICU, but he's doing so well now, growing and gaining weight like a champ! Isn't he gorgeous?

Babies Shooting Out Everywhere!

Jeez, I haven't even had a chance to formally introduce you to my new nephew, Brayden Joseph, and now it would appear that there is another nephew or niece to arrive very soon! My sister, Cindy, gave birth to Brayden exactly 2 months ago tomorrow and now my brother, Wayne, and his wife could very well be welcoming their long-awaited little one this weekend! We don't know the sex of that baby, so when I know, you will know!

Please keep Wayne, Lisa and Baby in your thoughts, and say hello to Brayden Joseph, who was pushed into the world on February 25th at 7:28 a.m., weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds. He's a big boy. Sadly, I haven't met him yet, but when I do, I'm pretty sure he'll be big enough to beat me up for taking so long!


Cindy and Jason had a professional photographer over to the house when Brayden was 2 weeks old.


I LOVED this little outfit! Like a l'il Jimmy Cagney!


SEE?? He's totally going to beat me up when we meet each other for the first time out-utero. Just because he can.

You can read Brayden's birth story here.

And speaking of babies, if you haven't already done so, please consider donating to the March of Dimes walkers this weekend, via The Muppet's site or through March for Maddie. We're so lucky that all babies born into our lives recently (Teddy, Frankie Jane, Brayden Joseph, Ian William, Wayne & Lisa's baby - just in the past 12 months!) were full-term and then some! But many, many babies arrive too far ahead of schedule and require expert care and resources. Giving a little bit to the March of Dimes will help them to achieve their ultimate goal - babies born when they're ready for the world and not a moment sooner.

What Having A Camera Up Your Butt Will Teach You About Yourself

So the prep day was awful and I made sure everyone I was in contact with knew how awful it was. At first you think, mmm! Some yummy broth! And some apple juice! I like broth and apple juice! And ooooh! Green jello! It's been a long time since I've have green jello. I'm usually a black cherry jello girl myself...

By the end of the day, belly still roiling, butt raw, you take a look at the last can of broth and you just want to hurl it at someone's head. It doesn't matter who it is, just so long as it ensures there's another person on this planet as miserable as you.

Here's what I learned about myself in the 36 hours I was on a liquid diet and pooping my brains out:

1.) I didn't realize how much I snacked in a day until after the first 17 times I wandered into my kitchen, only to get mad at myself, turn around and mope back to my bed.

2.) I like chewing things.

3.) This colonoscopy came around the same time of year I had my gall bladder removed 5 years ago. I discovered Cottonelle wipes at that time. I pretty much celebrated my 5 year anniversary with Cottonelle wipes for an entire day. Cottonelle and I have been together longer than I have been with my husband.

4.) There's a lot of time to think about stupid things (see #3) when you can't really go anywhere or do anything because you're pooping every 40 seconds.

5.) I'm never as thirsty as I am when I'm told I can't drink water. Yet, during a workday, I can go hours without water if I'm not good about refilling my bottle.

6.) It IS possible to take a shower in less than 4 minutes, but that doesn't mean I left the bathroom right away.

7.) I like IV sleepy time drugs and I was probably oddly excited about the opportunity to sleep the sleep that only comes from stuff which must be administered by a medical doctor so you don't accidentally die. That was nice.

8.) There is a certain freedom in knowing that your doctors and nurses listen to their patients fart 47 times in the first 5 minutes after they wake up from a colonoscopy. It just makes it so much easier to let 'em rip while also making polite conversation - that is, when you're not turning to your husband after a particularly impressive release and saying, "Oh my GOD, dude! Did you HEAR that? It felt SO GOOD. I love you. Want some juice?"

9.) I have a hiatal hernia. My mom has one, too. It's genetic. I won't link to it because there's a gross picture associated with it, even though it's not at all gross.

10.) The patient before me, a woman of about 55 years, asked for copies of the photos taken of her colon during her procedure. So she could post them to Facebook. I was mad I didn't think of it first.

Bonus Item: My husband RULZ.

Overall, the prep sucks, the procedure is a cake walk, the air is sort of annoying but farting can be fun, I have a hiatal hernia but the appearance of a perfectly healthy colon, biopsy results back in 2 weeks, B12 shot was ridiculously easy and already making a difference, and I got pretty flowers and an iPod shuffle for Administrative Professionals day, which was yesterday.

Life is good.

Clear As A Bell

The following are the clear foodstuffs to which I am limited for the next 13 hours:



It's a good thing I like everything suggested on my prep sheet, otherwise I'd be screwed.

I am working from home today so I can consume the small, recommended quantities of my clear foodstuffs and suffer my hunger pains and low blood sugar nausea in solitude. Then around 3 p.m., I'll begin heavily dosing myself with pills that will help clear the way for the eyes on the other side of the Camera Up the Butt Procedure.

I'm already pretty anxious about the whole thing, not because it's a medical procedure - I've had plenty of those. I'm anxious because it's an unknown medical procedure. I'm supposedly too young for it, but it's medically necessary according to the communication going on between my Doctor's office and my insurance company right now to ensure that the anesthetic is covered.

Anyway, what's on the other side of the camera that will go down my throat and then up my butt (and hopefully in that order!)? I have no idea. Hopefully, some good, solid answers. I'd be happy if I heard, "We found a gut elf and he's been absorbing all your B12, the little bastard. We took him out, though. It wasn't pretty. But soon you'll be good as new and will no longer walk around feeling hella less than 100%!"

I'd be happy with that. I just need an answer. I'm one of those. I can't. not. know. And not knowing BEFORE the procedure is producing the same effect as I imagine those pills will. I can't help it. It's my natural reaction to anxiety. Stress at work: Gotta poo! Near-death traffic event: Gotta poo! Need to have a difficult conversation: Gotta poo! Paying bills online: Gotta poo! Running to make it somewhere on time: Gotta poo, very inconveniently!

Now I'm off to some broth and white grape juice, followed by green jello once it re-solidifies (accidentally left it out overnight... Whoops)!

Stay tuned for the next installment of today's medical drama, in which I inject myself for the very first time ever with liquid B12. Because that's what it's come to, kids. Self-injections. I wish Madonna were here to do it for me. I heard she gives herself B12 injections. Maybe that's how she's able to run around performing on stage at the age of 50, all the while not looking a day over 47!!!

UPDATE: Scratch the Pomegranate white tea. I forgot it steeps to a deep pink, which is a big no-no during Camera Up the Butt prep. No orange or red colors, just green or yellow.